I feel like I'm at a crossroads in my life right now. There are so many directions I could go, and so many things to weigh against each other. I've reached a point where I don't know exactly what I want. I have a general idea, but there are many lanes in the same highway, and no telling where they might branch off from each other, or if I'd be able to switch after I pick one. At this critical time I don't want to make a decision that I'm going to regret next year, or ten years from now. But I know that I do have decisions to make, and that I'm not devoting nearly enough of my energy to the decision-making process. Questions have emerged that I don't have the answer to. Some of them I might never know the answers to.
I love my family more than anything. I went through the typical teenage period of loathing my parents and constantly arguing with my brother, but now spending time with them is one of my favorite things in the world. My grandparents are collectively the nicest people I know. My mom's mother and her husband live in the woods in a small town between college and home, and I love visiting them for a weekend here and there. It's so peaceful to be away from all the business of life, just to relax in their lodge-styled home and watch out the window as the sun rises and sets through the trees. To let one of their cats lay in my lap while the dog lays at my feet, and my grandpa watches history programs until he goes to bed at 7 p.m. Grandma always makes me pancakes with blueberries for breakfast, fried catfish for dinner and apple pie or peach turnovers for dessert. Sometimes she'll bake me a loaf of potato bread to take back to school.
At college I often struggle to manage my time and resources. I have too many interests and not enough to devote to all of them. My priorities, or at least what should be my priorities, tend to suffer. But I keep going. I have good friends here, and I've been wrong to doubt their friendship in the past. If anything ruins my friendships here, it will most likely be me. I owe a lot to my work station on campus right now. I've really found a home at the College Press. Never before would I have considered working on a press to be fun, but everyone in the shop is like one big family. I have awesome co-workers, an admirable supervisor and a great boss. The Graphic Arts professor is one of my favorites, too. You never know what might come out of his mouth, and even if he struggles to show it sometimes, he really appreciates us. He gives me a pat on the back whenever he walks by, and I do my best to keep him entertained with a cheesy joke now and then.
In regard to relationships, I really don't know what I want, or what I should want, or what I should be looking for. I have never been in a relationship that lasted more than three months. In every local relationship I've been in, I've been on the receiving end of the breakup. In every long-distance relationship I've tried, I've ended it because of complications. I feel like I'm in limbo right now. I know that if I date someone else in college, one of two things will happen: either it will be over by the time we graduate, or we will end up getting married. Because of that, it's impossible to know if I've found the person who is worth all of my time and effort. There have been too many times when I thought I found that person, but I was only lying to myself. I trust people far too much for my own good. On the other hand, I doubt myself far too much for my own good.
I don't know what else to say. I know this is a bit impromptu but there's just been so much on my mind. I needed to get some of it out. I hope I at least find inspiration to work on something soon, be it a story or a piece of art. At the moment I have no direction, and the fact that there are so many directions I could take is somewhat overwhelming. I just wish someone would come along and help me make those decisions. I have priorites, sort of. My family, my friends, my dignity. But I don't know what should come after that, or in what order. Best just to lay low for a while until the clouds of indecision blow over, I suppose. They won't linger forever, and neither will I.
"I'm just a poor wayfaring stranger, Just traveling through this world of woe; But there's no sickness, no toil or danger, In that fair land to which I go."
Also, DeviantArt's new branding is still shite. Stolen logos and unnecessarily cropped type will never be okay.